


lift up the receiver, i'll make you a believer

by Princex_N



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Conflict Resolution, Episode: s04e04 The Late Captain Pierce, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, Psychic Abilities, Reunions, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 08:35:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30086373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: Despite his odd reservations due to the uneasy feeling in his guts and the lingering resentment from the day he left, Radar goes ahead and opens the letter from Trapper John McIntyre.
Relationships: "Trapper" John McIntyre/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Radar O'Reilly & Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	lift up the receiver, i'll make you a believer

**Author's Note:**

> title from [johnny cash's 'personal jesus'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpYW3qng78E)

It's not like Radar is unused to getting mail - he gets lots of it actually. His family's pretty big after all, and even though they all live real close to each other they all them to write him individually. He's still not sure if that's just cause they want him to get tons of letters or just because they all want to pass on their own versions of the local gossip, but he figures that's nice of them either way. He sends out for lots of stuff too, just because that's an added little bonus that can be fun sometimes. 

So, basically, Radar gets tons of mail - that's not strange. What _is_ kind of bizarre is who this particular letter is from, cause, see, it's been a while since this particular sender had left and Radar always figured he'd write Hawkeye first, or even only. 

(Hawkeye had thought so too, which is why he had been almost first in line every mail day for the longest time. He'd finally given up only a couple of weeks ago. Radar hates the cloud of grief that Hawkeye pulls around himself like a blanket every time nothing comes, even if the bitter tang of it is starting to get fainter.) 

It's weird and unexpected. Radar finds himself bristling at the feel of the paper under his fingers. For an angry moment, he even considers not opening it at all - maybe just stuffing it into one of the file cabinets around here and trying to forget about it altogether. The feeling passes quickly though, because the letter stinks like grief and Hawkeye wouldn't want him to do that even if the words inside are nothing good. This is one of those things where the uncertainty is worse than the knowing, and maybe if they're all lucky for once there will be something good in here, or at least just _something_ for Hawkeye at all. 

So despite his odd reservations due to the uneasy feeling in his guts and the lingering resentment from the day he left (because whether he knew it all or not, he had left Radar to drown in all the shock and grief and shame that Hawkeye had felt, made all the worse because Radar had been the one to deliver the news. Sometimes Radar can practically still feel it coating the back of his tongue) Radar opens the letter from Trapper John McIntyre. 

_Dear Radar, sorry I haven't written earlier only I wasn't exactly feeling up to it. You probably understand, but I know you must miss him as much as I do. You probably thought of it already too, but I decided I wanted to ask anyway; I was wondering if you could send me Daniel Pierce's address. He and Hawkeye were close, and I figure Hawkeye would want someone to check in on him. Since I'm the first to make it back alive I figure I'm the winner of that particular role. You don’t forget to write either, hear me? Say hey to Hot Lips and Klinger for me if they're still kicking around. Take care of yourself – Trapper._

For a real long time, Radar just kind of sits there and wonders what any of that means. Cause a lot of it just doesn't seem to be making sense. All the words are there and all but whatever piece of the puzzle Trapper seems to think Radar has he doesn't actually got. It's not easy, but he runs his fingers over the paper and tries to supplement like usual to try to figure out what he's missing and then feels his breath lock up in his chest when it hits him all at once. 

"Oh geez," he chokes out, and then cause this is big and no one else is around he goes ahead and breaks out an "oh fuck" too just for good measure. 

He fumbles to get his headphones off and nearly brains himself on the edge of his desk when he trips over the chair and then also the big bag of mail he hasn't actually gone to deliver yet, but he's got to get going fast and quick and doesn't have time to stop and do anything about any of that. 

"Hawkeye!" he shouts, because the only thing he knows is that Hawkeye isn't working with the wounded right now and doesn't want to waste time looking or asking around. He can feel Hawkeye hear him from the supply tent and doesn't have to wait to hear him actually respond before he switches directions and races over. "Hawk!" 

"What? Huh? What?" Hawkeye replies, trying to hold back on getting nervous even though he's hanging out of the doorway already when Radar gets up there. 

"I got a letter from Trapper," Radar tells him, and has to breathe carefully through the angry flood of relief and excitement and hurt resentment. "Only he wrote to me cause his letters got sent back and he thinks you're dead, sir." 

It takes a little bit for that to sink in, cause Radar knows he's probably talking too fast with nerves and also all that dead stuff was kind of a while ago - especially in Korea Time - and Radar feels it when it does finally hit, lots of guilt over the earlier resentment mostly. 

"I didn't even think of it," Hawkeye says, like that's his fault somehow. "I mean, I thought maybe _he'd_ ," he cuts himself off for Radar's sake, as if Radar doesn't already know all that part too - a cluster of images of Trapper's plane or his car or even just crossing some street and never making it home not cause of the war. He's been dreaming about it because Hawkeye has been dreaming about it, but neither of them have wanted to speak it out loud. "But I didn't think he'd get caught up in any of that - they sent my mail back? Dad never mentioned it. I - Christ. What did he say?" 

"He wanted your dad's address so he could check in on him for you," Radar tells him, and then goes ahead and hands him the letter so Hawkeye can think about that instead of the empty spaces in conversations from all the stuff he and his dad both know but don't talk about. Hawkeye doesn't really feel stuff the same way Radar does but sometimes he's not so sure he _never_ does. Anyway, he wants to see it on his own either way and Radar can give him that at least, even if it's mostly a distraction. 

"I can call," Radar says, cause he knows the question is coming and he can save them both time and words this way. "Only it's kind of late in the middle of the night there, and he's got girls, you know? But I still remember all the numbers."

To his credit, Hawkeye does stop to think about it, weighing the pros and cons and such. Radar's still not surprised when Hawkeye decides he wants to do it anyway. It'll probably get him yelled at a bit, but Radar can't act like it wouldn't be worth it to know that someone you thought was dead was actually alive and all.

"Yeah alright," he agrees, also without waiting, but Hawkeye's one of the only ones who doesn't mind when Radar does stuff like that, so he doesn't really bother to pretend with him even in usual circumstances.

Hawkeye follows him back to the office, and Radar takes the time to try and focus on the dirt under his boots and his own relief and anticipation, so he doesn't get too caught up in Hawkeye's tangle of emotions and thoughts too bad since it's kind of giving him a headache. It's understandable really, but it's still bad enough that Radar almost considers asking him to calm down a bit. He doesn't though, of course, because Radar makes a point of never talking about this stuff.

Hawkeye manages to notice anyway cause he always seems to, and at least makes an effort to pack some of it up a bit. He's not good at _that_ part at all, but the thought counts for something and it helps a little sort of, which counts for something else.

He tries to keep it down as he paces around the office while Radar gets through. Lots of people are kind of annoyed, but the good feeling about the process doesn't fade so Radar keeps on pushing. In his head he can see Hawkeye running his fingers over Trapper's handwriting, trying to build a script for what to say because he already knows they won't have much time, dwelling guiltily over the memories of Trapper being here and Trapper leaving and BJ being here instead.

(And all the time spent worrying if he'd done something wrong, or if Trapper had gotten hurt somewhere outside of the military or Radar's purview, or if he'd just decided that Hawkeye and all the time they'd spent together was better off getting left in Korea with the rest of the worst stuff, or even that he'd lied about the kind of marriage he had with his wife. Hawkeye had never quite been able to believe any one of those things too hard, but the risk of somehow ruining something had been the reason he'd never just written first on his own. Not that Radar knows anything about any of that, of course.) 

If Radar didn't have so many thoughts running in and out of his head all the time he'd wonder how Hawkeye manages to hold so much in his own brain.

Louise is the one that picks up the phone, which might be for the best since Radar has to brace himself through Hawkeye's nauseating spike in anxiety and the faint crackle of her anger over the lines.

"Sorry about the time," Radar tells her straight off instead of a greeting. "Only I'm calling from Korea."

"Oh," she says, stopped short a bit. Radar shifts uncomfortably in the space, feeling oddly blind like always over the phone. "It's important?"

"Extremely, sir," which gets her to laugh somehow even though it's only cause there's more sir's than ma'am's around here and he can't always catch it in time. Maybe she recognizes him, if Trapper _didn't_ chose to forget all of them over here when he made it home.

"I'll get him," she promises, and Radar thanks her before waving to get Hawkeye to try to finally cool off or at least just come closer.

"It might not stay open long," he says even though they both know it, and Hawkeye nods instead of pointing it out, like usual. Not for the first time, Radar wishes he could change stuff instead of just feeling it, but he can't. All he can do is wish him luck and know Hawkeye knows how much he means it and manages to smother a laugh when they both get startled by Trapper's strong annoyed and anxious dread coming through the other side of the phone.

"Radar, what'd you call in the middle of the night for? I just got over the jet lag," Trapper asks while Radar's picking up the mail bag, still close enough to overhear, and he feels all of Hawkeye's nerves and reservations fall away all at once just from the sound.

"Why didn't you leave me a note you fink?" Hawkeye demands, half-shouting down the phone because sometimes he thinks if you can't really be funny you might as well just be loud. It seems to work for him most of the time at least.

Radar's already stepped back to try and give them as much space as he can – the illusion of privacy if nothing else – but even through the door, even through the phone and the ocean, he can feel all of Trapper's confusion and relief and joy, and just for once Radar almost doesn't mind getting caught up in the middle at all.

**Author's Note:**

> first thing i do after finally graduating from college is jump headlong back into MASH, which is clearly the most productive use of my time


End file.
